For example, a woman in my office might bring up a lack of desire and rush on to say that she doesn't want sex with her husband. Once we slow down those reactions and let the experience slowly bloom for her, however, she might discover that life experiences and insecurities play into her reactions toward sex. She might discover that she pulls back from sex because she doesn't enjoy it or feels awkward about her body. It isn't sex she has the problem with, its feeling bad when naked or simply not enjoying the sex as she thinks she should.
In my office I with her and her partner on how these insecurities impact the relationship they have and how to build around them toward a positive and intimate connection. The couple begins to build a new pattern for themselves that is consciously chosen, a very powerful step in any relationship!
Work, commitments, family and stress push us through daily life at a breakneck speed. Just like we're more likely to reach for a doughnut than to make a fabulous breakfast, we're more likely to grasp at a quick fix for our relationship needs than to slow down and really spend time understanding what is happening inside. I work with couples like the one above to slow down and take stock of individual needs and internal dialogue. Often that internal running commentary is a negative influence on relationships and it needs to be addressed before you can really work with a partner.
Thinking about our actions and thoughts gives us the power to understand and possibly change or re-program those thoughts. Having a support system like a partner, family member or counselor is always handy to make that experience a healthy and productive one.