What, No Orgasm!
"Sexual communion should be a ritual performed in mindfulness with great respect, care, and love. True love contains care and respect. It is deep, beautiful, and whole."
- Thich Nhat Hanh
With the passing of Valentine's Day, some may be glowing from gifts, good food, and maybe even great sex. If you followed my last blog about the neurochemical events after orgasm (assuming when you had “great” sex, you had one), then you might be experiencing some of the chemical changes I described.
In Marnia Robinson’s book "Cupids Poison Arrow," she discusses a concept called Karezza. Robinson says, “In simplest terms, karezza is affectionate, sensual intercourse without the goal of climax.” In fact, orgasm is not advantageous and may be what causes disruption in relationships. This idea may create a stir within about the attachment we have to orgasm. It feels great and for most couples is the goal to even entering into the act of our sexuality. Marnia’s website and book.
Karezza is not the only ancient wisdom practice that recommends not reaching a climax. Tantric practices in eastern wisdom traditions such as Hinduism and Buddhism, teach sexual tantric practices that keep this vital energy within the subtle energy channels that circulate within our gross physical bodies.
When couples share their frustration about one partner having difficulty having an orgasm or individuals that suffer from post-orgasmic syndrome (yes, this is a real phenomenon), this is a practice I recommend. In fact, I advise new couples to practice the art of bonding through touch, intimate touching, and basic tantric practices so they concentrate on a trusting and wholesome bond, versus a fixation on orgasm.
Because Oxytocin bonds us to each other, it would be advantageous to foster behaviors that promote secretion of this hormone. Ultimately, in coupling. creating a bonding connection that can withstand the typical relational issues, Oxytocin may be the key ingredient to keep that bond. Behaviors that promote Oxytocin are cuddling, kissing, hugging, touching, and deep authenticate communication. With orgasm, there is a very small burst, but not long lasting. Oxytocin has a very short half -life so it’s important to keep bonding behaviors active in relationships.
Choosing to have orgasms and enjoying them may be a by-product of your love making, but making it a means to an end of a sexual act is missing the essence of our sexuality. Let the act of bonding be what moves your sexual flow and connect deeply to the human being that chooses to be in your arms and you in theirs. Practicing the art of mindful meditative sexuality may bring you to greater bliss than the 6 second orgasmic bliss. Give it a try!
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Sherri Aikin is a Fellow of Integrative Medicine, Nurse Practitioner, Sex Counselor, Mindfulness Facilitator, and Life Coach.
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